Ive taken the book, it allows me to reflect. I cannot apologise to Merry enough, what i asked of her was absolutely wrong, I knew it as soon as I had done it...hence why I did not insist upon it. I noticed the cleric no longer wears the things I gave him, I deserved that much though, only fair. I think he is angry with me, upset perhaps..I don't know, I guess it's not really important right now though. I know I need this, but I feel so bad, like I am letting everything and everyone down. There isnt much to be done about it I guess.

While we are parted, though it may be still,
Close your eyes and feel not the chill,
Listen not with your ears but with your soul,
For upon the breeze sounds pitch and roll.
When all is quiet and seas are calm,
The passage of time forever the balm,
The surface placid, unrippled and clean,
And laid to rest all gone between.
Then again will murmurs rise
An end to sleeps averted eyes
And again, shall roam at will
When all of life is calm and still.

I miss Shawna. She used to chat at me through the day, make me laugh, tell me she loved me, pick on me even..she would talk and tell me about her things, her triumphs and worries. I miss that, it was genuine, continual...I knew she wanted me for me. Ahh I do miss her.

I think it must be on everyones mind, how you dont really know people, they are completely different in private than elsewhere, and what they seem to you may be something different to others. I kinda like that I have this book, it's a little window to my soul, even if it is a cloudy one. I love it because I write when I am angry, or when something has happened that shocked me or I upset someone. I can look back over it, remember things that my mind would otherwise have chosen to discard...sometimes, that shows me things that are important to me in the now.

There are a few things I have come to notice because of it, about myself..about others..about everything really...about human nature. I need a little time to reflect, to think about everything, gather what I need to..say what I need to. Time to look at all sides of the truth, and come up with things that are real and unbiased.

Perhaps I shall change this little book to include all those things I dont say...and not have one single equivocation.

I have spent he day biting my tongue and swallowing down words, no good will come of speaking, only more anger and upset. I dont want to be the centre of anger and misery, I really dont. So heres the deal. Yes, it is my fault, yes..whatever I am accused of, I did it. I am not defending myself, theres no point, and really I have nothing to say that isnt just more anger, and I dont want it, nobody needs it. I shall do my upmost to stay out of the way and let you all get on with what you wish to and let everyone just forget it all wthout making a fuss.

I wish you well, sincerely, you have my best to go with you all wherever you wish, if you need something, dont hesitate to ask, I will give my best to fix it, if my best is what I have.

There are a few things I will say. Thank you Shir, though you are a pain beyond compare and you only ever start more trouble..you just blindly backed me up, just because. I thank you for that level of belief in me. Seragil, for just letting me speak and then holding me. Bryggy, for always offering words of comfort no matter when or what.. Vixen for being a sweetheart. Merry because you are perfect, and worry about everyone, Im sorry precious I really am. Skyelark, for poking and proding me, even though I was awful to you and shut you out completely, I love you honey, dont forget it, ok? Elly, cause you are a star and always jump in and ask if I am okay, you derserve the best honey. Abra, cause you spent a while taking my mind off my stuff. Gareth, for always being there, for saying you believe me...I appreciate that..I really do and I am sorry.

That show of support from your guys was great, and I love you all for it ok? Dont ever think I dont. You are all special people.

Take it all, theres nothing left.
My soul in pennies my heart bereft.
My trust is useless, voice is hoarse
My arms are weary, but I'll stay the course

Though inside I might have lost
Outside stays whole at every cost.
Do not worry that I'll not stay
Im not yet dead, I'll not betray.

My body lives and through time shall walk,
My eyes will see and tongue shall talk,
My arms shall lift your weary form,
Hold you close both safe and warm.

A smile I'll settle across my face,
Of doubt or sorrow I'll leave no trace,
Cut and prick and take and tread,
For all I am has already bled.

So take it, use it, wring me dry
I'll not break, and I'll not cry,
I'll no longer hurt, but still here for you
From the place I am locked, the room with a view.

You really find out the measure of peoples loyalty and friendship when you need it most. I have never been so shocked and lost in all my life..I thought ..I..I dont even have words, for one of my dearest and closest friends to ..just..wihtout one word my way. I wanted a little break..a tiny little break, that was it. And the second my back is turned they stab me in it..full force. WHY, why do I everever give my trust and dependancy to anyone, why wont I learn.

People just take me for a ride, they always have and they always will. I am not supposed to hurt this way, I feel sick, to my stomach..and yet, I Cant be can I..because someone has to explain to everyone else why and pull it back together, maybe I should just go and screw it anyway, cause right now I can't even see why I am here. Just for people to trample me into the groun every two seconds. I am so hurt. SO hurt. It doesnt matter tho does it, it's only Cel, and people have to do whats best for them, whats right for them...thats what matters, that they are supported and happy.

I'll just cope yeah, whats another pin prick amongst a thousand lashes.

Dont fool yourselves into thinking you have people you can trust, trust is completely and utterly sujective to how long it suits them. I dont live in a world where trust and love and support exist, people want it for everything but never repay it to me. All I wanted was a break...I didnt want this.

So just go on, why not.. Wipe your feet on the way past me, you might as well, everyone else has a go.

No wonder I am so screwed up.

I really want to talk to someone, to cry to someone..Im looking at my little list of people and thinking about how many times I have had someone cry to me, how many times one of them has shared a problem with me...and I have realised, I can't ever take one of mine to them. They want somewhere to go, but they dont want to listen to you whine. Even now while I am hurting so much..I have people I need to fix and things I need to do.
People want you only until they have wrung you completely dry of everything, and then they ditch you like yesterdays news. How apt.

The guild is so quiet, it's killing me..it must be so disheartening for the others but I just can't seem to find the energy to even think about fixing it. When I attempt to wake them a little I just fall far short before I can even begin to shake them into action. They seem to have lost all enthusisasm, how do you give people enthusisasm when you cannot find it yourself? I feel responsible for their apathy, I am responsible for it, for fixing it at least.

Perhaps a little time away, to collect my thoughts and find where I put my lust for life. It all seems a little pale, only bothering to be vibrant and alive when ...well when I have someone I love awake to share it with. Which is not all that often. Mayhap I am just tired, and it's just early. Perhaps I am just missing people, but I seem to be struggling just to find a little purpose.

I miss him, he woke for mayhap a marc and was gone again..well, not even that I think. Ahh well, he will be back no doubt, and I intend to steal him away when he does, I have plans for him.

Everyone seems to be a little lost lately, struggling to get somewhere, find something..I dont know, but not quite reaching it..I hate not being able to help, having nothing but words to give..words that sound so empty ringing in my own ears.

I spent time talking to Gareth. It is time I put pen to paper and wrote down the truth of it I think, all this time and never once have I properly explained how much he means to me, what he is in my life.

I have known him almost all of my time here, but for so long I never even..saw him I suppose. He was just a friend, some guy I knew that I spent a few marcs now and then just joking with. The first time we even touched on feelings I was ..I knew, but I didnt know. I guess that makes no sense, but..it does to me. I denied anything but attraction to him. He was fun and friendly and sure..I mean, why wouldnt I be attracted to him, but that was it. Mayhap, when I think on it..that is what it was, just attraction, but then he kind of seeped beneath the surface, and the more time we spent just enjoying life, the more I saw him, clearly, for what he was. I fell in love. It took me a very long time to admit to that, to realise it even. There was a day, in a cave..a long time ago now, when he told me how he felt..I denied it even then, to his face.

After that well, lets just say we have been in love what seems an age now, it has not changed, only ebbed and flowed. We have been through so much, but never quite got it right..I guess we never will now. We held on for so long, take chances now and again only for me to crumble them to the floor in the next breath. I have hurt that one man more than any other person in this place and yet still he is by my side and I by his..just, not as lovers. He was right the other day...2 out of three aint bad. The word sorry is so overused, so I will not even utter it.

I love him still, I always will, always have.

So what do I write? Something pretty, for it is only fair in return.

There is a moment in each day, at least one, usually many..but we shall pick just one; a moment when I lose myself. I lose myself in you. I can watch you as you sleep, curling up in the chair, just the slow rise and fall of your chest as you take the deep, lingering breaths of slumber. The way the flicker of the candle on the nightstand sends shadows cascading across your face, softening every plane and angle. Memories of words and times, things we have shared, stories, emotions..a dance, a cannon, anything, flit through my mind, and an ache I have no way to explain settles longlingly in the pit of my stomach, though you are but a few feet away.

I can be happily enchanting people as I stand somewhere.. anywhere, it is not important, and for a moment, the look in your eyes when you first step from the shadows and into my presense, pops straight into my head and I am smiling, smiling to myself as the mischief that always seems to be settled there, catches my breath.

How about, the dew on a spiders silken web as the dawn crests the solid brow of the horizon. Each tiny perfect droplet of pure, untainted water refracting a prism of colour, if you dare to look close enough. The whisper of a breeze passing across the web makes it dance, and with the dance so the colours do mix and swirl, shooting little beams of light in all manners of direction as the light of the sun casts its warmth their way. They cling to the silk for dear life, bending and swaying with its movement, not daring to drop to the floor and be lost. The tenacity and wonder of nothing more than water and light...how we take for granted the little things in life.

There is much, much wonder in everything and nothing, but we take no chance to appreciate that which we are so blessed to have. For a moment today, if you have one to spare from the turmoil of you conscious, spend it appreciating the nothing..for if it were gone, you would miss it so.

Where has everyone I love been hiding? Why can I not find them, reach them...see them? Did I take for granted that they would be there, and now am suffering for my misjudgement?

Did you ever wonder what people would write if they knew no one would see? If they knew the consequences of it would be none but their own? If they knew it would hurt none, upset none, would we release our true inner thoughts. Is it just I that keeps myself to myself, or are there others that do the same?
[COLOR=white]What if I wrote with invisible words, could I release then?[/COLOR]
No.
Would you hold me if I looked alone? Would you wipe my tears? Would you help me fight my battles if I asked it? Would you dance with me? Would you call me on my idiocy, tell me when Im wrong, correct me and put me right? Would you sing to me just to make me smile? What would you sing? Would you trust me with your feelings, emotions, ..trust? Would you forgive me my mistakes, even when they hurt you? Do you ever wonder what Im thinking, doing? Do you ever lie to me, even those little white ones?
[COLOR=white]Would you hide me away where no one can touch if I asked it?[/COLOR]
Do you ever have questions?

Everyone wants to talk about their lives to someone, everyone wants someone they can turn to and release without question. To scream if they wish, cry if they want, to understand and sympathise, even if they dont agree. Someone where they can just say what they wish to and know that there will be no repercussions, that it will just be someone to listen, to absorb, share and just let it free. No questions.

Everyone wants that someone, not many people really want to be it. They want to know you as far as it suits them only to find their own release, only to sate their own needs.
How much of our lives will we spend living it for others?

You ..well I dont know, perhaps just I..have weeks where everything seems to happen at once. Where there seemed to be no pebbles in the road, not too much to trip or leave me to stumble..suddenly the whole world turns on its head in one swift movement, and things you thought were long dead and buried, or things you never even realised were a problem..but low and behold, there they are. Right there to trip you when you least expect it. For me, it always happens at once.

I swear I can see myself getting into a mess, I must have said a thousand times over that my destiny is a perpetual cycle of try and fail..with the same mistakes. Why do I do it to myself? I can see it, I can see these situations, dotting around me. I dont want to go through it all again, I just dont know how to stop it all unfolding.

All I want right now is just someone to take me away, to take me away and make it so I can't look back, so I can't see all this stuff being ripped up in my wake. Not again.

Life is so incredibly screwed up..peoples emotions are so crazy, I will never quite understand it. I want to be gentle with him, let him know I will be here whenever he needs a friend, but every action of his screams of more and alas...this time I just do not know how to handle it. I am scared, so very scared to hurt him, though I am honest and have explained...it does not seem to diminish anything, though he knows the truth.

He seems about to break, like there is much beneath the surface that he does not say. He will always have me as a friend...but I worry I will confuse him..it makes me feel..guilty somehow, though he asks me only for friendship. I am worried about him, truly...I wish I knew what was going on in his head.

I have nothing to say, and much at the same time...but nothing that seems to want to flow to the pages, things that are happy just to dwell within the recess of my mind. Foolish enough as it sounds, I feel as though I neglect my ..mind perhaps..when I do not impart a little piece of it here. It is like I have not kept my own warped record of its existence for that time.

One thing I will note...I am such an old romantic and always will be. Not the flowers and swoons type..but the truthfully felt things. The things purely to make the other person smile, to feel special, not just words...words are cheap, though they may cost you the earth in repayment so be careful what words you throw. But I am an old romantic, yes I will go out of my way to do something crazy just for someone special..because it's right, because that little smile is worth the effort. I am, and though it will hurt his awful and rude reputation for me to say so, so is the thief; and that, is one part of why we work so well.

When you wake, do not wake for want of me.
Take me to your dreams, for there we two are free.
Do not miss the breath I cast, nor the scent of soul
For life is but a dream, we walk 'til we are whole.

Do not miss me while I walk, the pain is just a fear
I will always return somewhere, shed not one single tear.
Do not bleed your hearts blood, just lay your burdens down.
Rest them at my wayside and I shall bear them as my crown.

I will whisper you a fae-tale, one to play among your mind,
A time to make a memory, until memory is all we find.
Listen for my murmurs, amidst the sweetened breeze
For there you will always find me, dancing twixt the trees.

Take me to your dreams, and in your dreams do smile
Let us sit within the shadows, and linger there awhile
And if you wake and should not find me, do not fret in vain,
For we are always reunited, when both we dream again.

You know when you have the inate feeling you did something wrong? Maybe you overstepped a marc, showed too much of yourself, perhaps you were too brash, or not enough ..or whatever it isnt important what, but you have this sinking feeling deep in the pit of your stomach that you have ruined something by being rash and foolish?

Yeah, I have that..gnawing at me. I have taken such a kick in the teeth to my confidence lately, I guess it has me question my every stupid action. I hope I haven't, I really do...GAH, oh well.

Who stole the mojo? And where did they hide it? It's like somone has sapped the entire population of Valorn of all enthusiasm for anything at all. I can't shake the guild awake, I cant shake my friends awake. We are like zombies, just passing each day because it is what we know. Where did everyones sense of fun and adventure run to?

What happened Valorn? Did we all become so jaded that life just seems like perpetual crap? WAKE UP, put a little soul back into it. Everybody is dragging their feet so much, nothing has any real effort put into it at all. We feed of each others apathy, one person cant be bothered, hten the next, and the next, and so on and so forth until the whole lot of us just about rouse ourselves for a raid, and the nearest thing to fun we manage is a half-hearted quip in passing.

Look alive people, it has to be better than looking dejected and all serious. A laugh and a smile are very powerful things, perhaps the most powerful weapons we have. When we bury them beneath a sea of listlessness, we are just gonna lose.

Yes, I am high maintenance, he is right, and I know he hates how I doubt him, hence why he comes to me when I least expect him. If he makes me a promise, he keeps it. I just miss him, I guess. I just miss him. I miss everyone right now.

It is the nature of human minds
To repay the owner twice in kind
For every err we dare to make
The mind will curse us our mistake

For each and every slight misdeed
For every lesson we do not heed
For all the times we should restrain
And any time we should abstain

We do this stupid foolish stuff
But never do we have enough
To warn us of impending doom
When next our folly doth resume

In hindsight thoughts do tally so
Replaying each and every blow
The rashness of our silly plights
Until our hearts are quite contrite

So if you gain a moments calm
From all but reasons cruel balm
Remind yourself and do not stew
There are always stupid things to do.


I was sat helping newbies, the churning of my mind led to...a revelation. Why worry? I'm sure there'll be something else to screw up later.

Already I know today will not be a good day. My whole body feels, broken I think is the word..wrung out, like there is no water left to me. Perhaps that much is true. The mask will be a very hard thing to keep up today, that much I know for truth. Already I want to crawl back into sleep and dream until nothing more exists, but dreams are haunted. I cannot escape those either. So I wake, awake and at the very least inhaling, is better than suffocating in my dreams.

I know well what my own insecurities are, I see them in others as the pass. My troubles with defining my own worth, fixing the words that others attribute to me to myself. My self doubt, my seemingly endless well of guilt that, no matter how much I bail, I cannot manage to keep myself afloat. The little wall I rest around my soul that keeps people out, because they dont really want to see it anyway. People only want as much as they want, and no one wants it all. They use meaningless words to sway and lull you, but in reality, they are only comfortable with the level of you they wish to see, if you give more, it's too much. So that part, even if by some miracle I was to fix all else. The wall will stay.

Im emotional today, I know, Im sorry. Im cynical and faithless, I know this also and I am sorry. Perhaps it will all seem pointless to you, in truth, it seems pointless to me, but I have to do something, anything..Im not really fussed, so the book is where I come.

Just in case I havent mentioned it, I am sorry.

We can talk for marcs and marcs about endless crap and not even notice. It's nice, to have that level of comfort with him, I know the side that I see of him is not one that most others see and that confuses me somewhat. I only ever see the part that loves and wants to be loved. He is so tender when he wishes to be, so willing to share of himself. I love him for that, so much so. Gah, enough of him, before he becomes all I talk of, no doubt that would amuse him.

There are not many things I have had to do as a leader that have made my stomach sink. I dont like to upset people, I dont like making others feel rejected, or turning them down. I have to do what is best for the guild and what they decide, it does not make it any easier to do however.

Sorynn is worrying me, desperately so. I know she will probably read this but tough. She has retreated almost completely, whether it is just from me or not I do not know, but I cannot get more than two or three word answers from her. I am completely powerless to do anything to fix it. What she needs I cannot provide, I cannot bring people back nor give her purpose of any kind. All I can do is tell her I love her and that I am here for her, that she is loved. Not that she believes me.

I know I shouldnt, gods..In the end I just want people to be happy and have whats best for them, thats what really matters. But it always hurts me when someone leaves the guild, especially if they do it with no word at all. I feel like I have failed somehow, that something I have done was not good enough. Obviously, for a start, if they do it with no warning, it means they felt they could not come to me, and that just...I feel so ...dammit.

I shouldnt be curt, I do wish the best for her, I want her to be where she feels at home, wherever that is. I just wish she had taken the time to talk to me first, at least tell me of her choice. I'm stupid, it's just a guild, people come and go and they must do whats right for them. Why does it make me feel like I have failed?

Loyalty is something we have to earn from others also, I guess..I have to learn to understand, you cannot have everyones, people will so whats best. So I wish her well.

So, he asked for a time out. Cheating no? Anyway, he did..and I granted it to him, I think we both needed it. He made a rule about our time out. I chose to discard it and so now, I have lost. Hmmmm to his utter amusement no doubt, but it was worth it, I wanted to and so I gave in. I want to make clear though. He asked for a time out first! So technically, I win.

We sat and just, well, just enjoyed company for a bit. The bet made me realise a few things, we can exsist together, it is not purely a physical attraction, not just obsession or ...well, he knows. I guess it dawned on me, it isnt just words. What he feels is real. He spent so long attempting to convince me he was incapable of love, I tried to believe him too. He knows my insecurities, I know they frustrate him so much...but what can I do?

Still I have not had time to spend with Gareth, I wish I ..or he..or I..I dont know, we just do not seem to be awake together, I miss him so much. Wake up you foolish Cleric.

The lil bird, she is so sweet, I love her to bits. I know she must be so lost now, it doesnt matter what we say, you cannot lessen the pain people feel, only understand and allow them to bring it to you if need be. I am glad that she feels safe enough with me to do so..grieving, there is no shame nor crime in it. It should be done, it should be felt, even when it is so awful to bear.

Why must people be so spiteful? I know most of it stems from jealousy and insecurity, but ..they will not find what they search for by making the lives of others a misery. When she came to me, Gods...how could anyone possibly want to make her cry? She is so sweet, such a sweet little soul. I don't get it, she seemed so down, it twisted my heart to watch her. Why cannot people just let others be..pleasure found in the misery and spite of others is short lived and leaves you more lacking than before you started. I talked, she seemed better afterwards. I tied to explain, these people..we should give them compassion, pity even, that they find need to do this to others, purely for whatever twisted reason their nature allows. Compassion is a very hard thing t offer the people that hurt you most...I asked alot of her to even think on it...perhaps, but I will not blame her one bit if all she finds is the will to ignore.

If you take away their power to hurt you, they lose interest in doing so completely.

She indulged me, I am not sure I have done her s speck of any good, but I love her. She is a smart girl, much more than she realises, not a dreamer, but a realist. So Idid not coat her in false words and promise that she would see straight through, I just told her how it was and will be. From my point of view at least, perhaps it will help, but I think more, she just indulged me.

I have written of loss many times, but for this time I will not. My loss is my own, and that way it will stay this time.

Im going to leave the rose between the sheathes of parchment, its sweet scent will tint the pages from here on in. A reminder that though we cannot always have what we wish, the wish is always there. I worry, so much. I hope he is okay, I want to share in whatever ails him and help him with it. But again, words ring hollow and always seem so blatantly meaningless.

We are playing a game, the thief and I. One that I am almost sure is, though fun, it brings us both a sense of pain also. We are fools in reality. It is much longer than a day or two this time. It is cruel in its nature, but..due to recent circumstances for us both..just that little bit crueler. Our prides will not allow us to let go, though now is when I guess..we should give in most. At least, for the simple things, to feel his arms around me. I would pay a lifetime of bells for it, just for that little sense of comfort. The gentle touch.
[COLOR=white]*between the pages lays a soft red rose*[/COLOR]

It seems like the world bleeds. Perhaps it is just my tint to it, but it's not seeming to flourish right now. Be prepared, I am going ot be utterly emotional.

The world bleeds and with it I bleed in turn. The moon is swathed in the red mist of the lost and the fallen. Why do I continue to write here, for my own amusement, for those that have gone, or those that will come. I am sick of shattered entries with half finished sentences, of verbal sighs and scripts of tears. Will it stop? No. Why? Because though I hate it, I love it in equal measure, it allows me to express, even thought that which I express is not something I want to feel.

He is so quick to flare and so harsh with words, but then so am I. He wasnt intentionally meaning to be..disrespectful, I just flared. So I took the time to calm us both, to spend time where my attention was his and only his, to gift him a little of myself. He seems to love it so much. Storytime with Cel, he is like a little boy as he comments and interrupts. He makes a tale that should last 3 marcs, last 3 days. Damn man. But then I play to him, elaborate and fit things I know will amuse him. The sparkle in his eyes as I take his mind away somewhere...for one so jaded, it is such an innocent pleasure, it thrills me to grant him that. He says I am too soft, that he doesnt feel at the depth I do. He does, he is just so much more guarded about where and when he lays he trust and his heart.

I miss Gareth, I need him, I need to talk and to see him. To know he is okay and to hug him tight to me for a while. I know he doesnt think I do...no, he says I dont, but he knows full well that I do. Too long has passed between us. He is part of me.

It's late, I've not seen him in well, a few days. I worry I guess, but I am not his keeper, he comes and goes as he pleases. I know he can see me pulling back, building defenses against the inevitable, I know it infuriates him, but it is how I have always lived...and he does the same, he cannot lie. It's not my right to need him, miss him, want him...to want to talk and express how lost I am right now. To actually loose tears.

Can I even be that vulnerable with him, will he accept that from me, can I be that...unafraid and open. When he comes, I will have to tell him. It we be a loss we share I know, a loss that Valorn shares, and he will be ..upset. For all his words of arrogance, I know he will miss her terribly.

I willl not cry where they can see me, it is not my loss alone. I will not.

And so I walk without sunshine, the kin I held in my heart
A space I will never recover, forever enslaved from the start
And so I walk without sunshine, forever an aching loss
Never a day not to yearn for, and never a night not to toss.

And so I walk without sunshine, a path as black as the night
A tear I shall never encompass, a pain never gone from my sight
And so I walk without sunshine, and the weight of emotion lies thick
With my mind torn into tatters, and my fingers caressing a pick

And so I walk without sunshine, the colour of life seems so blurred
For enternity mourning a glimmer, for a whisper forever unheard
And so I walk without sunshine, a soul I will never forget
One that brought me the laughter, and shines in my memories yet.

I feel like I should write something deep and meaningful, something about my life or my feelings or, the depth of my soul....but I can only write about what I know, which isnt a great deal. Sometimes I sit and watch the world go by, the faces as they rush by, the pain and the joy, the little things that we usually miss. You notice things, when you sit and while away the marcs just watching. There are people who wear their pain upon their sleeve, it's so apparent, so salient. Just a brush with their presense is enough to feel it. Perhaps they are more easily helped, more in touch with how to deal with things, I do not know.

There are others though, ones that pass with a smile and a soft word, it's not so easily seen, there is no anguish plain on their faces, no tears stains upon their cheeks. There are no comforting souls huddle about their presense. But when you look, just look..its there as plain as someone weeping to their depths. The slight catch to the smile just before their eyes catch your own, or..if you listen closely enough, if you let your own thoughts drift away and just hear with your mind and not your ears, it's there. That soft unspoken word, and as soon as you catch it, as soon as you see through the smoke and to what lies beneath; there is no mistaking it. Everytime after that all you see, so clearly..is the turmoil that settles under that mask.

It's these people, these ones that hold it to themselves, the ones that I watch and see passing, that I want to pull away, to settle next to me and just talk of superficial things; of nothing and everything. Distract them for a marc or two from whatever it is that bothers them so. To just be there, without throwing a mountain of useless words their way.

Muh, I guess thats my thought for today, I have slept too often and too long of late. I need to wake, to see and breathe. He was the last person I ever expected to come my way to chat and speak freely of himself, thats when it struck me...I have been so occupied with myself..I havent been...seeing. I should have noticed and I didnt.

Touch, the sense of touch. We take it so for granted, the feel of things upon our skin. We dismiss it, half of what we touch, or what touches us we do not eve register...but what would you do if that sense was taken from you, if you could not touch nor feel. Life would lose it's luster, sight can be lost, I have no comprehension of how that must feel..devastating, but..liveable, people do. As with sound and smell and hearing...but touch, to lose your sense of touch. To not feel the smooth texture of a fresh petal, or the waxy green slide of a new spring leaf. How about the rain, to never feel the rain as it splashes down upon your skin, or the wind bringing the rosey glow to your cheeks.

The feel of sand as it slips through your toes, or water as ot swirls and envelopes your body. The bark of a tree, the fur of a much loved pet, the cool, sharp sting of a blade as it kisses across your flesh. To never feel a hand in yours, to kiss but not know the brush of lips. Would your senses compensate for that? Could you stop the yearning for it?

We are little miracles no? Each small thing adding up to make us the most complex species. All this worrying and fighting, arguing, selfishness. All the banter and gossip and foolish pride. When you strip it away and get back to the base...it all seems like idle idiocy. Sometimes we need to stop our minds in order to let them work. To see beyond the petty things, our own self indulgence, we are all guilty of it.

Touch something, not in passing..but close your eyes and truly feel it, revel in it...that you have that..and that you can appreciate it. Pay a little homage to the shell we keep our swirling thoughs inside...it is a true wonder, and if we just stop a moment, every day and be graeful for the little things in life, perhaps we will not be so consumed with trivial.

So, another day yet the same bet. He lost the first time and still to this day has not paid his dues. But he will..oh indeed he will, and he will lose. Perhaps the soles of his feet, yes..that would be sufficiently mean...or the nape of his neck..mmhmm, he lost last time, he will again. Serves him right for being so smug and stubborn.

He's just all upset because I called him scatty, well, he is. I may have to brand him in his sleep, somewhere...interesting. I can see it now, maybe I will tint it with pink to match his UW. Something flouncy and foppish, he does so love the overly dramatic...perhaps I shall even have a little imp drawn next to it, that should placate his injured pride a little..damn man. How dare he.

I have been quiet as of late, I know. I guess, my mind has been elsewhere. Gareth...well, life is never quite what you expect it to be is it...sometimes you dont even realise what you have done until you have done it. I dont think I will ever have the words to tell him how thankful I am, just that he puts up with me, and how much I know...I just know.

I have so much to catch up on. I seem to have a talent for being randomly kissed in the middle of the street, which..considering, is actually rather entertaining. Though it does cause many a blush. He is a sweet guy, and top marks for stealing one while he was able. A+ for effort. Now if I could just get him to trade me that darn item...

Okay where does that leave me? OH! Gar...he is fast becoming one of my sweetest friends, he really is a diamond. It's a shame he doubts himself so, a littl confidence in himself would go a long way. He worries far too much and he is a little neurotic, but it makes him all the more interesting. I hope things work out for him, I really do.

Still no Gareth, why the stupid Cleric has to make himself so important to me I will never quite understand. How dare he infiltrate my defenses and then not be here when I need him. Stupid men and their stupid...stupidness. Yes, I am in one of those moods today. Life requires a party I think, I have spent too long languishing in sleep. Time to get up and shake a little life back into the guild I think. They have been left far too long to sit on their heels while I slumber. They require a little shaking.

I had the most amazing morning partaking in a little schadenfreude at Seragil's expense, excellent I here you cry, indeed would be my reply to that. His frustration is a balm to my soul, it really is. It never fails to make me smile when some unfortunate thing happens purely because of his scattiness. Yes...thats right....scattiness. I dont care what anyone says, the man is scatty, and lacks any sense of direction, but then...thats all men. No doubt I shall pay dearly for that comment, but right now..I dont care. My grin is absolute. I miss him when I dont have him to pick on. I think he is going to slaughter me for that, but heh.

Spyne is back!!!! Huzzah, the lil guy never fails to make me smile, I love him to bits. Trip has deserted me, I may have to perform some kind of evil meaness when he returns.

I am not quite sure whats wrong with Gareth, maybe heis just having one of those weeks again, i just need to give him a little space, I have learnt that much now, it took me long enough, no? Sometimes he just can't cope with me, which is perfectly understandable, I am, after all, completely crazy. I hope that eventually, I can make him feel the way he deserves to, I dont give him the due he earns from putting up with me and my antics for so long. When it boils down to it, he has known me for such a long time, he knows me...and he accepts me. I can't ask for more than that, and yet I do not take the time I should to praise and thank him for it.

I point blank refuse to be sappy, it's not happening. I am not going to mention how much I miss the stupid rogue, nor am I going to write how much the time he manages to give me always seems to set a smile at my lips for a while. No, it's not in my nature. I am not going to write that I love how completely arrogant and conceited he is, and how I never manage to be.........dammit, I am doing it!! Im not wearing a bell.

Im sure that will amuse you verily thief. I dont give a toss, just so you know.

What do you say to that? I was so..I dont know, I just never expected that much from him, I never expected him to...I dont know. Every time I think about it my mind just swirls He made no fuss with it, just swore. Which is unusual, most of the time he talks a mountain of tripe before getting to the point. I was a little lame in my reply I think, but it took me so by surprise. He deserves better words from me and so shall I give them, when we get more than a fleeting moment together.

Gods that was days ago and I am still reeling over it. I need to get a grip get to it. Sometimes I procrastinate so much, I never get anything done at all.